Touch the Belly and Die

The problem with working retail while pregnant is that your belly is in the public domain. It never ceases to amaze me how every rule of social etiquette falls completely to the wayside when people are faced with a pregnant woman, particularly when part of their job description involves being pleasant and most specifically not hitting people. So, I have resigned myself to spending at least eight hours a day, every day answering the same damn questions and nimbly trying to avoid those who would touch the belly.

I was thinking - in the interest of simplifying my life - that I could make a couple of signs that I could prop up on the counter at work. I thought I could make two; one for the generally polite yet insanely curious crowd, and one for the rest of the world.

Sign #1
Yes, I am indeed pregnant, and you successfully avoided a serious social gaffe. Yes, this is is my first baby, and I am due in early July. No, I don't know if it is a boy or a girl. No, I don't plan on finding out. Yes, my husband and I are excited (and how clever you were to slip that question in while pointedly looking for the wedding rings that no longer fit on my fingers.) Thank you for your well wishes and please, please, please don't start telling me about your friend's, cousin's, neighbour's housekeeper who had a horrible, awful labour that resulted in the death of everyone involved, including innocent bystanders.

Sign #2
No, I really am not huge/small for 4/5/6 months along and yes, I am sure it is really just one baby, ha ha ha. Yes, I am stunned and impressed with your ability to tell that I am carrying a boy/girl based merely on the sight of my Old Navy Maternity clad belly. No, I really don't need to sit down right this instant and in fact, if I spent the next 5/4/3 months sitting down my ass would expand to the size of a small city. No, that isn't a cup of coffee it is herbal tea, and my lunch is my bag if you would like to inspect that for soft cheeses and other contraband. Yes, I know it's shocking but pregnancy hasn't turned me into a total invalid, and I can still perform the duties of my job (which isn't exactly rocket science to begin with) and even lift that six ounce knick knack and place it in a box without assistance. No, I will not give you - you total and complete stranger - fertility advice, and does your wife know you are running around town telling people all about her fertility woes? Yes, I am a goddess, thanks for noticing, now go away you are creeping me out. NO, YOU MAY NOT TOUCH THE BELLY!