I'm Not So Sure About This Pregnancy Thing

It has occurred to me that this whole pregnancy thing is completely illogical.

Seriously.

Never mind the absolute stupidity of how they come out - they barely fit in the first place. There simply isn't enough room in here. My stomach, my bladder, my lungs and various other organs have all been pushed aside to make room for little baby head and hands and feet. My yoga teacher has had to teach us techniques to help us breath around the baby pressing into our lungs. When else would you have to learn how to breath?! Breathing is supposed to just happen, and the only time we humans have to relearn how to do it is when we are doing incredibly unnatural things like floating deep in space or leagues under the sea.

Then there is my poor stomach, and the indignities inflicted on it. Stretch marks, itchy skin, amazing reversible belly buttons and stomach muscles that might never meet again are just the start. What no one ever mentions is how this giantly protruding stomach is an accident waiting to happen. This month alone, I have acquired a scar from where I scraped my belly on the edge of the bathroom counter, a gash from the tape dispenser at work, and am constantly knocking it into walls, chairs, tables, and people.

Now, my high school biology classes were long ago, but it just doesn't seem like nature planned the allocation of this particular space very well. Pre-baby, there seemed to be just enough room to fit everything - all my organs snuggled in together without a whole lot of wiggle room. My skin fit quite nicely over the whole deal, and everything seemed happy. Now my organs are all squished up and my skin is stretched so tightly I keep having nightmares that you can see the baby through my translucent belly. You would think they could have planned this whole baby making thing a little better and just started out with enough room to begin with. Maybe then I would stop getting kicked in the pancreas. You know, I'm not entirely sure what the pancreas does, but I am pretty sure it's important, and shouldn't be kicked.

The more I think about this, the more I am convinced that marsupials have it all figured out. This is what we need - a conveniently located pouch, not only allowing enough room for the baby to lounge comfortably without using any important organs as a pillow, but also allowing for a much more civilized delivery. Post baby, we would be lift with a nifty pocket for spare keys and loose change. We would never have to match a purse to our shoes again!